happy fourth, i hate bbqs, anxiety gatherings, and fireworks because i'm afraid they will catch on fire.

<3

7/2/11

you don't always have to raise your head above your heart

i get by from a little help from my friends

This week has came with many ups, downs, high points, very low points, and mostly confusing points. All i've done all week is try to keep myself busy and ask as many people to hang out as possible ,which has worked quite well. I've been busy every night and haven't been feeling so depressed lately. On the other hand getting motivated to eat, and not exercise is very hard. My thoughts have been extra racy lately since i went to a new therapist for a day yesterday, she didn't really seem to understand much and i think it shook more up talking about it then i would've liked. The anxiety at the scale was horrible i started to shake, then the lady couldn't even get it right and just about as she said it. I yelled "DON'T TELL ME MY WEIGHT'. At that moment i knew my eating disorder was talking, which at first i thought was the stupidest thing people would ever say. Oh, you have one side thats your eating disorder and the other ones you. I thought that was a bunch of crap, but yesterday i finally realized what i meant. I apologized for snapping and went on with my day, Kind of, i was grumpy all day and i felt like Ed was punishing me for being so stupid and telling on my secrets again. All i remembered that night was the talk i had with one of my closest friends about eating disorders, i kept it close to my heart and remembered it so i would get motivation. oh, and that i saw two of my best friends working at the mall today, i finally creeped long enough to see Morgan & Kara <3

I really don't think i could've got through this week without my friends, other then Ed because i'm sure i thought he was my only friend.

until next time...love, Kendra

fighting ED one day at a time:

hot mess

Last night was such a good night, i remembered what it was like to enjoy an evening and not be stressed about eating or what i was going to eat next. It was the best thing thats happened this summer so far. I felt alive again and thankful i could feel the breeze in my hair and the bugs bitting at my skin. i also had very nice company with me. (that always helps)

I woke up at 2:oo this morning and had the worst hot flashes, great i'm a pregnant lady. It was awful. After i got up this morning i remembered that i had doctors appointments today and it kinda put a damper on everything. As i can remember nothing very good every comes out of it, or what i believe. I wasn't really sure what to do or say to anyone because i got that "i don't give a care about anything" front on again. I tried so hard to put it away and not stress about the whole appointment thing but you know how well that goes for someone with anxiety and OCD disorders, yeah not well.

I got there at 10:00 and she was ready to go, fearing nothing besides the thoughts of having her new baby. But in reality i was doing my best to pass out, fall over, or wet my pants. Just to get out of it. I walked in turned myself around and she began to weigh me, i closed my eyes like i was about to get shot and held my breathe, it felt like forever but really it was only about 10 seconds. I walked into her office and she had everything ready to go, ideas, challenges and nonsense that i didn't want to deal with. She started out by asking questions on how i'm doing and if i'm finishing all my meal plan, i responded with a yes, to every question. She went on and the next thing she said was "challenges for this week are..." i felt my body tense up my breath start to slow down and i felt myself getting light headed and she continued to say..."pizza and pudding". In my head all i could think of was "WOW LADY SO MUCH FOR HAVING MY BACK" i freaked out for about 10 minutes and i couldn't even look at her in the eyes. It didn't even phase her like this has happened before. (haha) Later, i realized that she is just trying to help me get back to my normal self and be able to eat a piece of cake at someones wedding, get real.

"if you're reading this...congratulations, you're alive. if that's not something to smile about,then i don't know what is"

coping with change

Now that i'm home from being gone for 3 months at an eating disorder treatment center, i have learned so much about myself, others and most importantly about the disease itself. As i walked into prom on April 10th, i realized i had a problem (sort of) and everyone noticed. I was admitted on April 11 and was scared shitless to leave whatever i thought was fantastic. I wasn't really scared of losing friends or anything i was more scared about losing my only friend... the eating disorder. I grew quite fond of ED throughout the years and couldn't seem how it would be normal to separate with him.

As i walked into the facility that day i feared everything good in life. i just wanted to be well again, but did i really? for the first couple weeks i was there i thought everyone was crazy and there was no way that i was supposed to be in there and i'd be leaving anytime. I would sit in groups dreading everything they said and never came to realization about what was really going on. Everyday the therapist would try to make me say "i have an eating disorder" and it never came out of my mouth until about a month i'd been there. I have trouble expressing my feelings and being assertive to people so that's the last thing i wanted to do was talk to people about my feelings because frankly i hated people, and i didn't care about there feelings at all. I couldn't hug someone to save my life and i was as cold as a stone.

As i sat there for months i realized who i really cared about and who i didn't (but i'll go into that later). oh, and how to knit so i don't kill people.When people make comments about my weight, or how i look now its the hardest thing i've ever had to respond too, but sometimes, just sometimes i can get something out. And i've realized that i rather be how i'm supposed to be then look sick all the time and not be able to walk..but i'm still trying to process that. oh, and i ate my first sno cone today, yes i was freaking out inside but i made it through.

this is the quote i lived by for many months and still do:

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Eleanor Roosevelt
US diplomat & reformer (1884 - 1962)

P.S.

stop reading magazines that make you feel like crap.