coping with change

Now that i'm home from being gone for 3 months at an eating disorder treatment center, i have learned so much about myself, others and most importantly about the disease itself. As i walked into prom on April 10th, i realized i had a problem (sort of) and everyone noticed. I was admitted on April 11 and was scared shitless to leave whatever i thought was fantastic. I wasn't really scared of losing friends or anything i was more scared about losing my only friend... the eating disorder. I grew quite fond of ED throughout the years and couldn't seem how it would be normal to separate with him.

As i walked into the facility that day i feared everything good in life. i just wanted to be well again, but did i really? for the first couple weeks i was there i thought everyone was crazy and there was no way that i was supposed to be in there and i'd be leaving anytime. I would sit in groups dreading everything they said and never came to realization about what was really going on. Everyday the therapist would try to make me say "i have an eating disorder" and it never came out of my mouth until about a month i'd been there. I have trouble expressing my feelings and being assertive to people so that's the last thing i wanted to do was talk to people about my feelings because frankly i hated people, and i didn't care about there feelings at all. I couldn't hug someone to save my life and i was as cold as a stone.

As i sat there for months i realized who i really cared about and who i didn't (but i'll go into that later). oh, and how to knit so i don't kill people.When people make comments about my weight, or how i look now its the hardest thing i've ever had to respond too, but sometimes, just sometimes i can get something out. And i've realized that i rather be how i'm supposed to be then look sick all the time and not be able to walk..but i'm still trying to process that. oh, and i ate my first sno cone today, yes i was freaking out inside but i made it through.

this is the quote i lived by for many months and still do:

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Eleanor Roosevelt
US diplomat & reformer (1884 - 1962)

P.S.

stop reading magazines that make you feel like crap.